October 1, 2013

List: What Does Mandy Fear?

Break out the decorations because Halloween is a mere 30 days away!  Some of my Halloween traditions include decorating the apartment, carving pumpkins, buying tons of candy that I will not share with trick-or-treating children, and binge-watch Nightmare Before Christmas mouthing every word of the script along with the movie.  One thing I normally don't do that's sort of Halloween-related is reflect on my fears.  (Halloween... scary... fears... let's just say it makes sense.)

List: What Does Mandy Fear? via whatmandyloves.com
Here's a few of my fears and how I want or do manage or rid of them:

  • Failure.  It's my natural urge to impress everyone to be considered worthy as a human being that makes me fear failure like standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon is to someone afraid of heights.  Anything below a B- in school felt gross and wrong.  I got an F at a quarter report card in a science class in middle school once, and oh lord this made me feel like such a waste of space.  Fear of disappointment from my parents brought it back up to a B+ by the end of the semester... so there's that.  I cope with fear by always attempting and trying in hopes I'm doing my best.  Failures are stepping stones to success, y'all.

  • Large empty spaces.  It's an anxiety thing based on how I was raised, sort of.  My parents house always had a TON of stuff.  No walls were left bare, shelves were everywhere full of things, and having more than one shed in the backyard was perfectly normal.  I am totally fine with everybody else's walls being bare and not having much decor anywhere, that's something I can't control and that's just fine.  But if my apartment has a blank wall or an empty bookshelf, I just want to throw something on it because it makes ME feel empty for some reason.  I cope with this by not letting empty space happen in my apartment ever.  Done and done.

  • Dying.  It's not like I walk around scared I'll get hit by a bus or catch some sort of deadly virus from a doorknob or anything, but the idea of going through a wonderful and hopefully long life with all the people I love and then... poof?  I no longer exist?  I've dealt with family and friends dying throughout the years (too many very recently), but when I focus on my demise too much it's kind of painful.  I cope with this by reflecting on what happens to me and my things after I die, as if I have some sort of control on the matter while not predicting my death itself.  A full-on Will is probably years away, though.  Just to be safe.

  • Horror movies / scary movies.  It's not that I think all scary movies are scary but... all scary movies are terrifying.  Purposely watching something I know is going to cause anxiety is something I don't enjoy, especially when it leads to MORE anxiety after watching it and thinking there's a monster under my bed for days.  I cope with this by avoiding as many scary movies as possible, and watching some scary things to help wane my scare-o-meter (i.e. I'm proud of myself for liking and tolerating the Walking Dead as something that I used to think was scary).

  • The thought of "forever."  The word itself makes my skin crawl, gah!  There's some great things about change (like going from the hate-filled, emo, dark-loving high school self to my current happy, bright, and colorful self wahoo), but I know I'm too selfish to like the word "forever" unless its all about me regardless if it's about the stumbles in my love life or about keeping a job for more than few years.  I'll either eventually find a life partner who I can see at my side for the rest of my life or maybe not, and only time will tell if I can keep a job for more than a few years in ways I can control.  I cope with this by realizing I can't predict everything in my life and to just let myself be in the moment.  Ya can't reach forever yet if you're in the now.

What are your fears this October?  Let me know in the comments.

No comments:

Post a Comment


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

follow mandy